Good I guess...? But weird!

Well it has been almost a week since I have last updated. The stomach pains are almost all the way gone. Still occasionally have troubles, but overall it is better. And, the brain fogging is replaced with a "drunk" feeling. I feel as though my mind and body are being controlled by something other than me. I wrote 2 essays that were 7 pages each in less than 3 hours! I usually write one essay in at least 3 or 4 hours! And, I couldn't remember what I actually wrote. It was as if something in my brain was telling me to type stuff down, but I had no recollection of it all. It's as if I was in such a deep zone or something. It is scary!

Also, on Sunday very early morning (roughly 12:30ish), I woke up and realized I had fallen asleep while watching t.v. I had not brushed my teeth, so I decided that I might as well brush them before I go back to sleep. Well, I wasn't expected what had happened next... I had lost my coordination. I could barely walk a straight line while walking down the hallway to the bathroom. I had to hold onto the wall at one point because my legs felt like jelly and the floor felt like it was moving. I had no idea what I was saying when I was talking to two friends of mine when I saw them in the bathroom area, and I had no idea how loud I was talking either. It was a scary feeling because I have never experienced this. This was the first day of increasing the Celexa dosage too. I was afraid to take it the next day! But, I took it and went to bed shortly afterwards. Thankfully I  was ready for bed when I took it, and I was in bed before any side effects occurred. Hopefully I don't experience that "loopy" feeling again!!!

I'm still crossing my fingers with the Celexa working well though! I hope to be feeling better soon!

My Tummy Isn't Happy...and Neither am I!

Well my doctor has me on an SSRI (selective-serotonin reuptake inhibitor/ AKA an anti-depressant) called Celexa to help with the POTS symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, and brain fogging. I am a very realistic person, so I understand that this is yet another medication that has helped others in the past and maybe it will or will not help me, but I am also extremely hopeful. So I really truly hope this medication along with the ones that I'm still on (Midodrine, Relafen, Provigil, and Lyrica) work better for me!! I also was on a new medication for my acne (even though it isn't terrible, we were thinking that it might help to be on an antibiotic since I sweat sooooooo much every day). But, either the Celexa or the antibiotic is making me very nauseous. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night feeling as though I might throw up or something. It is frustrating. I stopped taking the antibiotic to see if that would help with the nausea, but I still have that feeling. It happens randomly so it is strange to me. I never have felt like this for an extended amount of time, so I know it had to be one of the new meds making me nauseous.

I'm happy that my doctor is starting me on a new medication but I am not happy with the side effect since I'm pretty sure the nauseous feeling is from the Celexa. Darn!!! It's almost as though I am constipated but not. It's hard to describe. The doctor said that I might not feel better for about a month after starting the Celexa, so for now I'm just waiting... It stinks because I am still incredibly brain fogged, dizzy, super fatigued, have racing heart feelings sometimes, and am sometimes have tremulousness episodes. It is annoying when I cannot get my schoolwork done. I'm hoping that I feel better because I have 5 projects due next week!!! AHH!! haha

Beyond Frustrated Now

Okay doctors and researchers out there: come up with a solution! I'm getting awfully tired of this! I don't like being the guinea pig. I don't like living each day with the worry that I won't be able to get my homework done, or maybe I won't make it to the bathroom in time, or maybe I will be viewed as the "sick girl". I want to participate in life. Yes, I do have a better life than some other POTS patients do. But that is not my point. My point is that I'm tired being tired. I'm tired feeling joint and muscle pain. I'm tired of not knowing what my body will do throughout the day. I'm tired of not knowing how to make anything better. I'm tired of constantly trying and trying and trying and trying to make things easier for myself. I'm tired of giving up so many important things in my life just so that I can get through my day. I'm tired of trying new medications and trying to add more Gatorade or more water or more salt or more exercise to my already tiring routine. I'm exhausted.

Please come up with a solution. Some kind of help would be nice. I don't like how the doctors and researchers have no clue as to what to do with POTS patients. I don't like how we are left to twiddle our thumbs and hope for the best while we wait for some kind of results from our tremendous strength and hard work. Well, I'm exhausted. I need help. I need for there to be some kind of answer. Something!!!

I know I'm strong. I know I'm not depressed. I know I will eventually get through this. Waiting and wishing for years and years for things to get better has not worked. I'm still not feeling good. I'm still not able to do the things I want to do. I need the doctors to figure something out. It is getting on my nerves that some of the best doctors in the world can't seem to help me. It is beyond frustrating. I'm beyond being upset. I feel helpless sometimes because I have to sit around and wait until I feel better in order to do something I want to do (usually I have to wait around to feel better so I can start my homework).

How is anyone supposed to be able to get anything done when they feel as though they haven't slept in 5 days, have run 10 marathons, and have taken 50 tests all in one day?? That's what it feels like. That's how mentally and physically exhausting I feel. I'm so fatigued and brain fogged each and every second of my day without any relief in sight. How can anyone function like that? I have no idea how I am able to do what limited things I can do. No idea at all!! I don't know how I can sit in class or get a 4.0 at college. I don't know how I can walk on some days. I have no idea how I am able to do that!

Again, I know I'm strong. But really, how am I supposed to live like this every day of my life? How am I not depressed?? I have no idea!! Must be the strength and good attitude. I have no more patience though. I need some relief. Something better change or else I might become Miss Cranky Pants! haha

Everyone has one...

Why do we all have to have some kind of "disability"? Why can't we be relatively equal across the board? But then why are there some people who seem to have it all and don't have to worry about being held back by some problem?

Today is not a good day. I am exhausted. I cannot concentrate. I have a massive headache. I am very sensitive to every sound and light source. My joints hurt, especially my hands. My eyesight is really blurry today. I just can't accomplish much of anything. I am trying to complete a midterm that is essay-based. I have to write responses to several questions by using the information learned in class and with outside resources...which means I have to research stuff. It is so challenging when I know how smart and gifted in academics I am, but I cannot finish a simple assignment such as my midterm. I cannot sit at the computer and just type out the responses I know that I know. I cannot just sit down and research for the answers I don't know. I am struggling to just sit in my desk chair and look at the computer...let alone actually come up with the right words to explain my answers. It is extremely frustrating. I am just not having a good day.

I also woke up today with a huge dark bruise on my left leg. I think it is from my knee-high socks I was wearing yesterday. Lately I have been very bloated because of all of the salt and liquids that I have to consume. I think that by being bloated, that must have caused my legs to swell and then the socks were really tight against my leg. Who knows... It is scary waking up to something that just pops up out of nowhere and there is no explanation for it at all. It is even more frustrating when I know there's always a potential bad reason why something like that could have happened.

But, as for now, I will be done with my ranting and try to stay as positive as possible. It is just so difficult when everything used to be so easy for me back when I didn't have to deal with POTS. I just hope that my doctor can help me soon. I want to get better so badly before I have an internship to worry about and then a practicum class and then a job!! I want to get better. I need to get better!